ETB 54: What does it really mean to be a parent of a child with autism? How do you navigate the challenges and celebrate the milestones? Join us on a deeply personal journey with Heather, a resilient mother who opens her heart about her experiences raising her son, Chase, who was diagnosed with autism at a tender age of 2.5 years.
Currently a stay-at-home mom who transitioned to homeschooling Chase after working as a para in schools, Heather offers unique insights into the world of children with special needs. She speaks about the bond she shares with her son, and how she has juggled through the challenges of his adolescence, including medication struggles and the tricky terrain of puberty.
As our conversation unfolds, Heather candidly discusses the aggressive behaviors Chase displays and the strategies she has employed to manage these situations. She underlines the importance of consistency, external intervention and support, a key aspect often overlooked. . This episode is a testament to Heather's resilient spirit and unconditional love for her son, delivering a message of hope, insight, and valuable experiences for parents facing similar challenges. This is a conversation you won't want to miss.
Join us to understand the realities, the hardships, and the triumphs of parenting a child with autism – a story told by a mother who has walked the path.
Connect with Heather:
Chase_sam@live.com
Training that Emphasizes Safety, Consistency, and Restraints as a Last Resort
https://www.crisisprevention.com/Blog/physical-restraints-as-a-last-resort
Christina Sullivan Foundation
https://www.christinasullivanfoundation.org/
Connect with Sandy:
IG: https://www.instagram.com/sandydeppisch
Embrace the Blessing Facebook Group: http://bit.ly/ETB4ME
Website: http://www.embracetheblessing.com/
ETB 54: What does it really mean to be a parent of a child with autism? How do you navigate the challenges and celebrate the milestones? Join us on a deeply personal journey with Heather, a resilient mother who opens her heart about her experiences raising her son, Chase, who was diagnosed with autism at a tender age of 2.5 years.
Currently a stay-at-home mom who transitioned to homeschooling Chase after working as a para in schools, Heather offers unique insights into the world of children with special needs. She speaks about the bond she shares with her son, and how she has juggled through the challenges of his adolescence, including medication struggles and the tricky terrain of puberty.
As our conversation unfolds, Heather candidly discusses the aggressive behaviors Chase displays and the strategies she has employed to manage these situations. She underlines the importance of consistency, external intervention and support, a key aspect often overlooked. . This episode is a testament to Heather's resilient spirit and unconditional love for her son, delivering a message of hope, insight, and valuable experiences for parents facing similar challenges. This is a conversation you won't want to miss.
Join us to understand the realities, the hardships, and the triumphs of parenting a child with autism – a story told by a mother who has walked the path.
Connect with Heather:
Chase_sam@live.com
Training that Emphasizes Safety, Consistency, and Restraints as a Last Resort
https://www.crisisprevention.com/Blog/physical-restraints-as-a-last-resort
Christina Sullivan Foundation
https://www.christinasullivanfoundation.org/
Connect with Sandy:
IG: https://www.instagram.com/sandydeppisch
Embrace the Blessing Facebook Group: http://bit.ly/ETB4ME
Website: http://www.embracetheblessing.com/
Hey there, I'm Sandy Deppish, and this is the Embrace the Blessing podcast. Each week, I talk with a parent who has a child with a disability. They share their biggest challenge, their greatest joy and their hopes and dreams for the future. You'll learn about resources available to you and discover helpful hints and tips. If you want to be inspired and encouraged, stick around. Let's walk the road less traveled together. Well, thank you for being here. It's such a delight for me to have you on the show. I've known you for a few years now, and I know that you have a child that's kind of similar to mine, and so I'm excited for you to share what your journey has been like. And what I would love for you to do first is to introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about you.
Speaker 2:Sure, my name is Heather, I'm 42. I have two children. One is 23. One is 19. My daughter is currently traveling the world with her boyfriend Lucky Her, so we don't get to see her at all, but it's great for her. Her early 20s. That's what you're meant to do, so it's a big blessing that she gets to do this. My son was diagnosed when he was two and a half with autism. It was a whole new world for us. I had never even really heard of autism outside of like Rain man yes, no, anybody with autism. It was a very challenging new thing, and so it definitely was a new embarkment. I stayed at home with him when he was little. When he started going to school, I was at a loss of what to do all day, so that's when I started getting into education and I started working at the schools as a para.
Speaker 1:And you were amazing. You were an awesome para. That's where I met you and I just loved it. Yes, yes.
Speaker 2:Most people actually were trying to figure out if I was the teacher in the classrooms. I thought you were.
Speaker 1:I thought you were. You had that take control kind of thing and you just had a really great connection with the kids. Probably because of your experience with your own son at home, it was just a natural way for you to handle those kids.
Speaker 2:It is. I'm very natural with them and I still am, even though I haven't talked in about four years now. I just get around them and it's just an instant bond and I just have a real whisper about them and I get along with most of the kids and I just connect with them on a level that I think a lot of people are missing.
Speaker 1:Yes, it's really cool to watch. Well, let me back up for a second and ask you. So you said two, two and a half, what were you seeing that made? Well, you weren't even sure about autism, but what were you thinking and seeing that made you pursue kind of a diagnosis, I guess.
Speaker 2:So when he was a year old, he started humming and it was very strange because it wasn't, you know, any type of like abnormal humming, but he did it 24, seven. He hummed while he was laughing, while he was crying, while he was eating, while he was sleeping, wow. And it was just continuous and it was to the point, like after a year, where it was driving us crazy, where it's like either scream or shut up.
Speaker 1:Was it a quiet hum Like a like a just off timer?
Speaker 2:Wow, yeah, so you hear it, but it wasn't loud and it wasn't quiet.
Speaker 1:It was like this just constant noise, and it was just constant Wow, that would be challenging to have to hear that all the time.
Speaker 2:Yes, all the time, 24, seven. I mean, he did not ever stop. It was quite strange. And then when he was two, he wasn't hitting any extra milestones, he wasn't talking, he wasn't mimicking, he wasn't making eye contact. And so we had gone to the pediatrician and he said well, you know, it's still a little early.
Speaker 2:We were in a very small town, there wasn't a lot of specialists in the area. So he said let's wait a little bit longer. And at two and a half we had his hearing checked and they had told us that he was 30 percent death in both ears. And so we were like well, that explains the humming, that explains the not talking, that explains the, you know, not communicating with us and ignoring us. So we got him into some group therapies for small children to socialize him, and we were doing speech therapy and it was the group teacher that said I think there's something else wrong with him. I said can I recommend you to have him tested for autism? And yeah, so there was. We lived in Idaho at the time. There was one doctor who diagnosed autism in the whole state of Idaho Exactly.
Speaker 1:It wasn't that long ago.
Speaker 2:Well, we're looking at 17 years and you got to remember the population of Idaho is like two million, oh, and if you cut that population down by, you know kids and adults. And so, yeah, there was one doctor. I don't know how many there are now, but when he was diagnosed there was one doctor in the whole state that could diagnose him autistic. Maybe coming here because you hear about parents talk about how the school diagnosis their kids with autism and I'm like school can't diagnose kids with autism, it has to be a doctor.
Speaker 1:Yeah, schools can't do that and teachers are forbidden from even hinting that their child in their classroom might have autism. They have to kind of suggest that, hey, we're seeing some things, maybe you want to check this out, even though they usually know in their gut that that's what's going on. But, yeah, not allowed to say that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so that's a whole new world for us, moving here to Texas, and we've been here in Texas now for eight years. We moved when Chase transitioned out of elementary school at fifth grade and we started sixth grade here. So Okay.
Speaker 1:So that leads me to my next question. Tell well, wait, I want to back up for a second. So the humming, how did that eventually stop? He just stopped at age two, really, he just stopped. Yeah, hallelujah. So you think it was the intervention of the speech therapy, or that didn't come till later?
Speaker 2:Well, we started speech therapy at about 2 and 1 half, so it wasn't therapy that stopped it. I have no idea. I mean it's just common owns that just can't or ever will be explained.
Speaker 1:But thankfully it stopped.
Speaker 2:yes, yes, because that was the most difficult part of him being a baby was the humming.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, I can't even imagine Well, so tell us a little bit more about Chase, who he is, what he's like now that he's older he loves to draw.
Speaker 2:He is super awesome at drawing. He's been drawing since he was little. He loves to do all kinds of sports. He's super, super athletic. That was one of the great benefits of us moving from Idaho here, because Idaho does not have special Olympics, they do not have special teams, they do not have special groups Really Nothing for kids with special needs, especially in school age. So, and once they become an adult, it's either you go to a group home or you stay home. There are no day habs. There are no day cares. Day cares usually won't take children with special needs. Yeah, it's very, very limited in the area we were at.
Speaker 1:Well, so then, when you had him diagnosed and he got the label of autism around two, two and a half, what was your reaction to that? And then I mean, if there are not any services available, what did they do to support you?
Speaker 2:There was no state support. I had school support. So he obviously went to speech therapy and occupational therapy. They did that was covered by Medicaid. Actually, until he was eight we just had personal insurance and paid for everything ourselves because we made too much money to qualify for Medicaid. So it wasn't until he was eight that the school pretty much pushed me to get him on Social Security and pushed me to get him on Medicaid. So they bill for him.
Speaker 1:Right, right, because if those of you, parents that have a child with a disability that's in a public school system, you don't, if you're not aware, your school district is getting money from Medicaid because your child has a Medicaid waiver. And that's one of the first questions they'll usually ask you in an art meeting Do you have a Medicaid waiver? And that's why they want to know, because that's more money in their pocket, which my interpretation of that is. Then I can request and really advocate for more services because they're getting more money from my kid. Well, not anymore, he's out of school, but you know what I mean. When he was in school, well, what was your reaction to the diagnosis of autism?
Speaker 2:It made a lot of sense once I learned what autism was. I had to do a lot of research because, like I said, he didn't seem like a rainman to me, and he still doesn't, and back then autism was one in 10,000. Now, if you can believe it, I believe it's one in 35.
Speaker 1:I don't know what the latest statistics are, but I know it's gotten more prevalent.
Speaker 2:Be five now, which is just insane to me to think about. Yeah, but it was. It was born in 10,000 when he was diagnosed, and so there definitely was this awakening of it, but it was still so rare at that time, especially we lived. We were very fortunate. We lived in a very, very small community. Chase's preschool had him, a little girl with a copular and four other students with delayed abilities. They just needed more of a jumpstart from low income families and families that had moved from Mexico because we were in a big farming community so they need help learning English and stuff like that. And so that's where he went to preschool and then he always had a one on one paraprofessional with him. He went to Gen Ed everything up through fifth grade. He went to a Gen Ed. Kindergarten. He went to a Gen Ed first, second, third, fourth, fifth, and that went well.
Speaker 2:Well, most of the time, until we would get. Once in a while we'd get like a new teacher. And I remember second grade teacher. She was new to teaching and she was such a gun hoe, free spirited, she wanted to touch all the children and it was just like no, he has a paraprofessional for a reason. Please don't mess with him. Yeah yeah, she's known him for five years. Like don't rock the boat.
Speaker 1:Right, right. Oh, I'm sure she learned pretty quickly.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, she did. After Chase blew up on her twice, she was like OK, we're just going to let the paraprofessional handle him, and I've always tracked his behaviors. Consistency has been his biggest thing for controlling behaviors. If you don't have consistency, then they don't know what to expect.
Speaker 1:Right. So is there some level of comfort in knowing what the boundaries are?
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah. So teachers always had daily journals with me on how his day went, and if he had a bad day he didn't get rewarded. In the evening he didn't get his preferred activities.
Speaker 1:And did that work. Was that successful for helping to shape his behavior?
Speaker 2:Oh, yes, always yeah, oh yes, and even to the point where in high school it became a problem because he would know he messed up, so then he wouldn't let the teachers write in his book, and so that would be. Another blowout was no, I'm not giving you my book because you're going to tell my mom I was bad. I already know I was bad and she doesn't need to know.
Speaker 1:Let's keep this between you and me. Well before we get into some of the behaviors, let's talk about your greatest joy in parenting Grace.
Speaker 2:Oh, he's awesome. He is so funny. He can crack people up, he loves to tell jokes, he loves to goof off, he loves to act out scenes, he loves talking about birds. He gets these passions about him and he goes gun-ho. He once was Charlie Brown for an entire year, and he only wore the yellow shirt with the stripe. He wore Charlie Brown shoes. He would only wear shorts or pants, to the point where he actually plucked out all his eyebrows and eyelashes. Wow, and he made everybody call him Charlie Brown for almost a year. That's so funny. Yeah, when I met my current husband, chase was Charlie Brown. And one day Chase just walks into the room it was actually over Christmas break Walked into the room. I said morning, charlie Brown. He goes. Oh, no more Charlie Brown, just the Chase. And he's never been Charlie Brown again.
Speaker 1:Wow, that's so fascinating. Yeah, yeah, but he dove into it, you know, with all of his passion. That's amazing.
Speaker 2:All of his clothes were Charlie Brown clothes. He never wore anything else. We had six Charlie Brown shirts. We had four pairs of blue shorts and, yeah, it was only Charlie Brown. And he still loves peanuts, the you know the movie and things like that. But he's Charlie Brown anymore, just the Chase. But the bad thing is is, since that happened, you can only call him Chase. He doesn't like any other pet names.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Interesting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and how nice that people went along with that. Right, I mean I'm assuming school and the teachers and everything, or did they?
Speaker 2:Teachers did not. They thought it was inappropriate, they thought it wasn't age appropriate to call a junior high kid Charlie Brown. I think that they kind of detoured him in some ways of him outgrowing it sooner than what he would have.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they got on board with. A lot of his behaviors in junior high were because they were calling him Chaston on Charlie Brown.
Speaker 1:Because in his, in his mind, he was Charlie Brown. Yeah, and they weren't accepting that.
Speaker 2:I mean, it wasn't like he had on a mask, it wasn't like he was, you know, acting out in school. He just that was just his name. That's what he just wanted to be called.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:So it was the age appropriate thing that schools try to push around. Here is very difficult because you go age appropriate. Well, which age are you talking about? Are you talking physical age or mental age? Right, and because there's a big difference in a lot of our kiddos with their physical age and mental age.
Speaker 2:And yes, aspects, they do need to have certain guidelines for their physical age, especially like in puberty and in high school, and you know things like shaving and you know the different situations that come up with puberty. But, on the other hand, why do we have to stop letting them watch cartoons?
Speaker 1:Exactly.
Speaker 2:Why can't they still watch preschool shows, if preschool shows is what makes them happy and they love it?
Speaker 1:You know, I've been reading a lot of books lately about individuals on the autism spectrum who are non-speakers and now have learned to communicate through spelling, to communicate. And these guys are brilliant. I mean, they know things well beyond what anybody ever expected them to fully comprehend. They're totally in there. They just because of a proxy, they're not able. There's a body brain disconnect and they're not able to express themselves. Some of them are like, incredibly intelligent. A lot of them are incredibly intelligent and they're able to write books with a keyboard, typing, you know, the entire book themselves or with some support. They still love watching Elmo. They still love Sesame Street. They still carry little stuff, the animals around. So you're right. I mean there's two separate sides to them, but it doesn't mean that you have to just accept one and reject the other. That's who they are. You have to embrace that, you know. Yeah.
Speaker 2:So it was very sad the way that some of the public school you know took the whole age appropriate thing, which is a big part of why I decided to homeschool his last several years and why he doesn't attend an 18 plus program, transition program.
Speaker 1:So which is interesting because was yours 18 plus.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the class I taught was 18 plus.
Speaker 1:I thought so, and you guys, you did an amazing job in that class, but yeah, you wouldn't be in there being his teacher. So, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:It really makes it really easy to guide him through life, though, because I've I've actually taught all levels, from preschool all the way up to 18 plus. Throughout my career I had been in every level of education.
Speaker 1:Okay, wow. So yeah, you're the best one for the job.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I have with all ages.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's fantastic. Tell us about a time and I'm sure it's not just a time, but sometimes that have been really difficult. Puberty, oh my goodness, with a capital P. Yes, yes, tell us about that. All titles, yeah, what was so difficult about puberty, heather?
Speaker 2:So he had a very small, very brief aggression behavior. When he was in first grade we did heavy intensity on ABA therapy and he outgrew it like very rapidly. It was like, okay, now this is what I'm expected to do, this is what I get. That's where the consistency played in and that's where, like, the daily log started and it worked very well where puberty hit and hormones started raging and testosterone level spiked and we've been stuck in this rage.
Speaker 1:Wait, let me ask you because puberty is different nowadays than it was when and I'm much older than you but then when I was growing up Now it seems like it happened so much sooner and I feel like for my son I wasn't ready for puberty with him and it was like pretty young. Do you remember for Chase about what age that was?
Speaker 2:12 and a half.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yep, I remember exactly. It was 12 and a half. I don't remember the exact month. I stopped counting months on him way longer. And you know, you just start seeing the signs. You know the hair in the armpits, the darkening little mustache, and you're like, oh, how cute. And he starts getting the leg air and you're like, oh, you're becoming a little man. And then all of a sudden he's like screaming at you and I'm like, wait a minute, no, we don't do this.
Speaker 2:And it was to the point where by the time he was 13 and a half almost 14, he was attacking us physically four to five times a day. So we decided to go heavy on the medications because we had tried, when he hit 12 and a half, we had tried to slowly incorporating a few medications, a few light medications, to see if that helped him with his mood. We tried some like antidepressants and we tried some mood stabilizers and but we went very conservative, very conservative. And then it was a point where I was scared for my daughter's safety, because she's pretty small. So I was really concerned for her safety and so we went heavy on the medication and at one point he was taking 14 different medications six times a day.
Speaker 1:Whoa.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah. Now we have to nine medications Eight are daily, one is an emergency and we're still doing five times a day because we spread them out throughout the day.
Speaker 1:Right and do you notice a difference being on?
Speaker 2:medication. Oh, yes, yes, yes. So we've, ever since he was probably in first or second grade, we've had him on a stimulant such as like Adderall, so to help him during school time hours, and that always worked wonders. And then puberty hitting. Now if we miss a medication, we can tell. We can tell instantly. There are three or four that are particularly more important than the others. I think the others just help boost, because I Don't want a zombie kid. I love seeing him play, I love seeing him active, I love his personality. So he's still on relatively low doses of a lot of medication. Compared to how long he's been on some and compared to his age and his weight, we still have on low doses. So he takes more of certain ones. I really feel like for critical, like we can't live without them, and the others are just kind of like there to help to keep the Dose low right.
Speaker 1:I remember when my son was very young, I was the mom that said oh, we're never taking medication like that's just you. You did that too. That's why we're laughing and and I remember thinking like there's natural ways to, you know, handle this type of thing. We don't need medication. I'm so, so, totally against that. And then life became extremely hard and I thought you know, this isn't about me and my stance on medication. This is about what it must feel like to walk around in his body and be constantly wired and anxious and Hyper and not able to control that. This is something that's gonna help him calm and have a better quality of life. So if you're on the fence about medication, you might want to think about it from the the child's perspective or the young adults perspective, because I think that changes your outlook a little bit at least it did mine and it's made a world of difference.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it really does, and if there was some natural remedy to like help him, I would try it, and we did try it. When he was about Four or five, jenny McCarthy came out with her book about her son, evan yes, I read it. And the Dan doctors defeat autism. Now we were spending about a brand a month Going to Utah because we were in Idaho and there was nobody in Idaho. So we had to go to Utah, salt Lake City, to find a Dan doctor and we were spending about thousand dollars a month on all these supplements.
Speaker 2:The doctor visits, the special diets he wanted to take away. You want to take away tomatoes, which is my son's favorite food. This kid, this kid would do anything for a tomato. I mean over sugar, over ice cream, over Toys, over anything. This kid loves tomatoes. Wow, that's so interesting. Yeah, they're his ultimate favorite. And he wanted to take away tomatoes and I'm like, how am I gonna do this to my child? Right, and spent about four or five months Doing this crazy insanity. And, yes, we saw a tiny bit of difference, but we also saw, like, the things that he was missing and for us spending a thousand dollars a month and that was More than what we were paying in rent. Right, that was more than a big portion of our budget and we're like, okay, well we're, we were feeding him, but now we don't have enough money to eat.
Speaker 2:Yeah we all can't afford his diet, you know, because it was no gluten, no dairy. Well, no casein, right people are like try powdered milk and I'm like, well, can't do powdered milk, because powdered milk has Cason in it and and when you're in a rural area, I mean it's kind of hard to find substitutes. There was no whole food store near us there was. There was really nothing. I mean, we our closest grocery store was 45 miles away. Oh, that was a regular grocery store.
Speaker 1:Wow wow. Yeah, that you guys were able to sustain that even for a few months is pretty incredible.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. So we decided it, just it wasn't for us. We were just gonna learn how to work with his autism instead of trying to defeat it. But now, of course, all these years later, I realized you can't defeat autism. He's not sick, there is no cure.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, but we went to a Dan doctor too, which was really interesting. Josiah was Four because we moved here when he was three and same thing I read the book, found a Dan doctor in Houston, loved this man, loved him. He was amazing. But you know, we had five kids at home. I wasn't working. We had one income he had 14. I believe it was supplements a day.
Speaker 1:Nothing could be canned, packaged, everything had to be organic, made from scratch. He wanted us to make organic yogurt with goats milk that I would have to get from Somebody who had a goat. You know I'd get their milk and then strain it with cheese cloth. And so many hurdles to getting to this Level of where we needed to be with him. And I tried, I really tried, but you know, doing that with one kid and then there's four others who are waiting for their food and it was so, so expensive and it was overwhelming for me. That I mean in hindsight. I'm kind of grateful this happened, but it was sad at the time.
Speaker 1:Josiah got a stomach bug, um, probably like a month or two into this and he ended up in the hospital and he lost 10 pounds in a week because that was one of the things he wasn't eating. It had to be, at the time, you know, all organic, made from scratch. Lots of you know fruits and vegetables, and at the time, just, I was a very picky eater and so I had to offer him foods that he rejected. And so he, you know, I was telling the doctor he's not going to eat this stuff and he said wait him out. Eventually he will. We have a little guy who's not eating and it's tiny, you know it's like. So anyway, he ended up in the hospital, lost 10 pounds. He came home from the hospital and we said that's it, we're done. It had nothing to do with the dandied, it was all because he had the stomach bug. But we said this kid can eat whatever he wants, and we never went back to it. So we didn't defeat autism either. We still have it, yeah.
Speaker 2:It's crazy how that worked, isn't it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it's still here. So do you have any helpful hints or tips you use to keep a positive attitude when things get really hard?
Speaker 2:Because I know you've had some really challenging times positive tips um, consistency, family support, mom support mom support is the biggest thing. We have just recently joined a bunch of different foundations over the last year and a half and just getting to sit around and talk to other moms and dads Don't let me leave dads out, sorry. Dads, you're there too, um, and you guys are just as important. But just that, that talk, that. What did you go through this weekend? Oh my, thank goodness somebody else went through something. And knowing that we're all doing our struggles and we all have our positives and we all have our negatives, and Yet the moms are the biggest thing for me right now. In consistency, because even still today I still do a behavior system with him, even though we haven't been in school and you know, with coveted it was just him and I home alone for a long time. But if he acts out he does not get rewarded and it might have another fit later, but it's so worth it because it really controls the behaviors in the long run.
Speaker 1:So when you mean behaviors and you're saying acting out, can you describe what that, what that is?
Speaker 2:Oh, with Chase it starts as a scream. He'll start screaming, then he'll start hitting things. Like he'll come in and start hitting my bed and then he'll start kicking things he loves to kick over the trash can and then eventually gets point where he wants to physically fight people. Before I broke my ankle, I was able to restrain him. My husband has to restrain him and they'll get into what looks like UFC fighting matches. Yeah, and I've trained my husband as much as I possibly can and he does amazing to hold him down without actually hurting him and making sure he holds him in positions that can't accidentally hurt him.
Speaker 2:I highly do not recommend restraining your child if you have not had training. There are so many, so many, so many pressure points where, if you just put any pound of pressure, it could seriously do damage, and a lot of times you want to hold their arms down, but you have to watch out for the lungs and the chest and the throat and there's very, very specific ways you need to restrain a child, and so I don't recommend restraining unless you've been trained. It's very, very tricky, very, very tricky. You can so hurt the kid and that is definitely not what we want. We would rather be hurt as parents ourselves than our child. I'm to the point now where I have to lock myself either in my room or my bedroom or my bathroom and he breaks down the doors. Both my bedroom and bathroom door have huge holes in them right now because it's like how soon do we want to replace them?
Speaker 1:They're just going to get new holes. Yeah, so you lock yourself in to protect you. And the whole bit about the restraint too, is when parents do restrain. I love your comment I'm so glad you brought that up is there is a proper way, a technique and there's training available, and I know there's a website. I'll find it and put the link in the show notes about that. But there is a way to properly do it and it's not because you're, it's self-preservation, it's to protect you and also to protect your child from themselves, from self-harm, because sometimes when they rage, it turns inward on themselves. I know it has in our case before. So you lock yourself in to keep yourself safe. Does he eventually wind down, wear down? How do you know when it's safe to come out?
Speaker 2:He does, he tires himself out. Usually he'll fall asleep. If I can get, we have a special medicine that is supposed to be fast acting. But if I can't physically get to the medication to give it to him, then he doesn't take it. Sometimes I can tell him to go take it. If I've been like in the bathroom and he's started to calm down a little bit, but not fully there, I can tell him to go take the medication, and sometimes he will, sometimes he won't. But yeah, I just have to wait him out. Wow.
Speaker 1:And so he just eventually wears himself out. Does he have something he can do like punch a pillow? You know, I'm sure you've heard all those things Anything like that that you might tell a typically developing child who's having a difficult time to help alleviate some of that frustration and anger? Well, he does. That's why.
Speaker 2:I think kind of hitting the bed, because we have talked about like hitting soft things, start punching beds and things like that, and that's when I usually know it's getting ready to escalate.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean having a third person. A third party is always helpful. I've called sometimes his dad and I'm like here, talk to your dad, and dad calm down because he's not mad at dad. You got to find the other person's not already upset with as an outside source Hard sometimes for like single moms or people that don't have a ton of support. I'm very fortunate, but dad works out a lot, so a phone call sometimes helps. But yeah, just having that interruption of oh wait, there's somebody else here witnessing what's going on, right, and even just somebody to distract the child, really throw them out of their anger sense and back into the reality of oh wait, what am I doing? Do I really want to be doing this?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:And you know, somebody who has grown up with a sibling that had some aggression told me a while back, many years ago, that 22 seems to be the age where they start to grow out of this type of thing. And we're just like 21 now. So I am hanging all my hopes on. We only have like less than a year now, you know he'll be 22. 22, yeah, I really think 22, like suddenly he's going to be a different guy. I know I'm fooling myself, but the point is that they eventually mature to an age and maybe it's hormonal or something where things settle down, and I'm really hoping that's the case for any of us who have children that really have some issues with, you know, these kind of behaviors. I'm really hoping there's something to that. Chase is 19. Chase is 19.
Speaker 2:And it's so funny you say 22 because that's what I have in my head, because for whatever, okay, boys go 10 years in puberty. He started at 12 and a half.
Speaker 1:So there must be something to it. We'll have to get back on when he's 22 and we'll talk about it then. So is there a product or a resource you can share that has impacted your world in a positive way, something that's really been? I mean, it sounds to me like the consequences that you use for him have been really effective, but is there anything else?
Speaker 2:ABA therapy is crucial, especially when the kids are young. Aba therapy sets the foundation of what is expected and how to get your child to achieve it. And parents please sit in on the therapies. The ABA therapy is not one hour a week, it is 24 hours a day. That is the biggest thing with speech therapy, occupational, any type of therapies that your child is doing. You have to be a part of that because they're not going to magically start talking by going to a speech therapist for 30 minutes a week.
Speaker 2:You have to reinforce everything that they're doing. So medication I know it's a big controversy, but without medication I wouldn't be able to have him in the home. The resource groups, foundations, having support out. There is another big, big one Christina Sullivan Foundation Amazing. They have been such a big, big support and help, not just only in getting Chase active and meeting new friends, but for me it's just an incredible journey with them and so, yeah, yeah, the Christina Sullivan Foundation is in Galveston and League City and they just have such a heart for anybody that has differing abilities and they do adaptive and inclusive sports.
Speaker 1:They have students from UTMB in Galveston that are OT students who oftentimes are paired up with individuals with disabilities to do things like tennis and botchy ball and volleyball and golf and they just did fishing, fishing, yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 1:And I remember hearing about this from some of the other moms years ago and seeing things on Facebook and thinking, wow, how nice for these families that they have something for their kid. Josiah could never do this. And some of the moms heard me saying like, yeah, that's just. We could never. I mean, and we still struggle with it. Don't get me wrong, but the idea is that they are so welcoming and the moms looked at me and they go it's adaptive, they will work around Josiah. If he's having issues, they will work around it. And one of the botchy ball tournament or one of the botchy ball days that we went to last year there were individuals in wheelchairs and they have special ramps, kind of like for bowling, that they pull up to the wheelchair and the individuals able to put the ball right on the ramp and push it down. Like so amazing. So, yeah, incredible, I love that idea. So find foundation, find support groups. Those things are incredible. What are your hopes and dreams for the future?
Speaker 2:Well, um, you know, after puberty is what we're really striving for right now to make sure that this aggression and anger and stuff is just testosterone jolts. Right, that's our biggest hope that puberty ends and magically he goes back to this fun, loving, cute little boy. Well, young man now, right, but, yeah, that's that's, that's our, our biggest hope right now. Eventually, way down the road, I would love to see him in like a guest house out of the home but so close by, perhaps like a mother-in-law quarters or an apartment garage or something like that, where he can be Independent but yet still very, very close. Right, I think, is my next long-term goal for him to Do something like that, or even even have like a buddy that he could have an apartment with close by, yeah, where both parents can look in though. Yeah, that's that's my long-term goal. My hope is puberty ends all the aggression.
Speaker 1:What about potential employment opportunities? Do you see any of that in his future Um?
Speaker 2:Not with way his behavior is now I pretty much 22 post 22.
Speaker 2:If he can get his aggression and his behaviors under control, he would definitely be employable. He is so smart, he's so funny, he has so many things that he can do that he can do well. I know a lot of autistic people like reputation and so like they found them, jobs and Factories and assembly lines and things like that. Chase typically gets bored with those types of things. I think he likes things that are Similar but not repetitive, mm-hmm, like he knows what to expect, but it might be just a little bit different each time right.
Speaker 1:So yeah something like that. Yeah, that sounds great. So if you were sitting with someone who is just about to walk in your shoes and Live the life you have lived oh, I see your hands going up over your head. They're gonna walk the same path that you've walked. What encouragement would you give them? Don't give up.
Speaker 2:There is light at the end of the tunnel. There are so many people willing to help. You just have to ask Mm-hmm. If you don't ask for help, people are not gonna know you need help.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Don't isolate yourself, because that really hinders so many extra problems, and just stay Consistent, because you're not always gonna be positive. There are some days I just Sit and cry in the shower for an hour. There are days where I want to pull out on my hair, and that's okay. It's okay to not be okay, and I know that's a big cliche now, but just remember to keep moving forward and Consistency I preach to everybody is just consistency.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's so important. They need to know boundaries and they need to know that you're gonna hold the line to those boundaries and not Hold it for three times but the fourth time just get tired and let them go, because then what have they learned?
Speaker 2:You know they learned oh, mom's gonna let go four or five, and then the next time they're like oh Well, she let go. So oh, wait it out till six. Oh, mom, let go at six. Guess what next time? They're gonna go till 10, they know eventually going to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, consistency is key. That's awesome. Well, I know it's not been an easy road for you and I appreciate you sharing that because I think Especially a lot of the parents that have been on the podcast they don't or at least so far they have not had the life experiences with their children that you and I have had, and so I think there's more people out there that are Walking this path and I think it's encouraging them for them to hear. There are times when it is really really hard, but you do get through it. You don't think so in the moment, yes, and you take long car rides sometimes and sob the whole time and you think, oh, my gosh, this is horrendous, how am I ever gonna survive this? But you do, miraculously, by the grace of God, you do, and then you're able to sit on things like this and tell other people you can do it too. 22 is around the bend 22, that's number.
Speaker 1:When they turn 22. If it doesn't happen, I'm going to be a little disappointed, but no, I think it's gonna work. Thank you so much for being on. I really appreciate your insight and your willingness to share everything that you've experienced it's been. I think it's gonna be very beneficial for other parents.
Speaker 2:Absolutely Thanks for having me.
Speaker 1:Thanks for listening to the embrace the blessing podcast. Visit embrace the blessing calm slash podcast for show notes and links to any resources mentioned. If this has been beneficial to you, please share it with a friend or post it on your social media pages. Join me next Wednesday for more inspiring stories from people just like you.